


Where Were You?

by onihunter305



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Bad Parabatai Jace, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, S3 E16: Stay with Me, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-01 07:15:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18331205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onihunter305/pseuds/onihunter305
Summary: Magnus could be dying.Alec was hurting. He felt like is heart was being ripped out of his chest. Where was his other half? Where was the one person who felt his pain the same way he did?Where was Jace?





	1. Jace

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, might get some flack for this one but after watching last night’s episode all I kept saying to myself was, “Why isn’t Jace here to support Alec?!”
> 
> So, that’s where this came from. There are obvious spoilers from the episode but mostly this is based on the moments they didn’t show/should have shown. Hope you all enjoy!

Jace could feel the aching in his hand. The skin where his thumb and pointer met, was aching. It was like it was being stabbed with tiny needles over and over again. 

It started about an hour ago as he was waiting to pick up Clary from the City of Bones; first it was barely there, but as time went on the pain was more consistent, stronger. 

But Jace didn’t think much of it. 

His mind, his thoughts, were occupied with one thing: Clary. Ever since he got her back he felt terrified of letting her out of his sight. He feared that if he blinked too long she would cease to exist anywhere but in his dreams. Nothing else mattered to him, nothing else fell on his radar. His soul purpose in life, was her. That’s why he was waiting at the gateway to pick her up from her scheduled treatment, that’s why he had been waiting there all night. He prayed to the Angel that the Silent Brothers would be able to help her. 

Unfortunately they weren’t able to do anything about the demonic rune that tied her and Jonathan together. While the two of them discussed the option of going straight to the source, Jace felt the pain and anxiety that he could identify as someone else’s growing within him. He pushed it down and tried to focus even further on Clary and her plan to summon Lilith. 

He refused to recognize the telltale feeling of that specific patch of skin being worn to the point of pain. He didn’t think to identify what it meant, and even worse, he didn’t even try. 

He was shaking his hand out for the third time in two minutes, trying to shake away the phantom pain, when Clary noticed. 

“Did you hurt your hand?” She asked, watching the movement with curious eyes. She had been walking back to the institute with him for the past couple of minutes and she couldn’t remember him hitting it or bumping it. 

“What? No,” Jace commented, looking down at his hand, perplexed. 

“It seems to be bothering you,” she said, watching him shake it out again. 

“It’s nothing, don’t worry about it,” he said, watching her look down at her phone for a moment, her eyebrows furrowed. 

“I texted Simon, he told me to meet us in the infirmary at the Institute,” she said. 

“He’s hurt?” Jace asked, not because he was worried about Simon, more because he was curious as to what happened. He checked his phone quickly and noticed he didn’t have a text from Izzy or Alec so he assumed it wasn’t anything too bad. 

“No, he said he was visiting someone. Do you know?” Clary questioned. She figured it couldn’t be Alec, because Jace would have felt that through the bond. If it had been Izzy, Alec would have made sure to let Jace and her know as well. So who would Simon be visiting in the institutes infirmary? She watched as Jace took a moment to feel out with his bond. She watched as he absentmindedly rubbed his chest as he did so. 

“I don’t know...” Jace said, knowing Alec wasn’t physically hurt but also not sure what was going on with his Parabatai. He had been pulling back ever since the incident with the Owl and their bond was strained unfortunately. 

“Let’s go see,” she said, already pulling out her stele to portal them closer. Before he had a chance to respond she had disappeared through the swirling magic. Jace looked up to the first signs of light in the sky before following her. 

By the time he arrived she had already taken off for the infirmary and he was slow to follow. He knew she was safe in the institute and he was trying to work through everything that he was feeling. In the back of his mind he realized that some of the emotions that were clouding his judgement and ability to think had to be Alec’s but he couldn’t isolate them. 

When he came upon the scene in front of the infirmary door, between Simon and Clary, he was shocked by her actions. He knew the rune was effecting her, but to see her go after her best friend so viciously was frightening. 

“Clary...” he said, his tone eluding to the warning his presence brought. She was going towards the edge and he hoped he would be able to bring her back with just the sound of his voice. 

Behind her, Jace could see the concerned looks on Simon and Izzy’s face. He quickly looked around for Alec but was surprised to see him missing. 

“I can’t live like this,” Clary said, tears in her eyes. “Jace we have to do it.”

“Do what?” Izzy asked from behind her. She had a very emotional night. After holding Alec while Catarina brought Magnus back from the brink of death, to sitting with Alec and holding his hand while Catarina stabilized Magnus to prevent Alec from hurting himself, she was fried. And in all of this, she had wondered where Jace was, where was her brother and Alec’s Parabatai while all of this was going on. She knew how the bond worked, she knew that Jace should be feeling the emotional and physical pain that Alec was in. And yet, he was no where to be found all night. 

“Clary what’s going on?” Simon asked from beside her, distracting her from her thoughts about Jace’s whereabouts all night. 

Izzy looked back to Jace, hoping for answers but instead he just sighed. 

“We need to summon Lilith, get her to remove this rune. The Silent Brother’s couldn’t help me,” Clary said, turning to look at Izzy and Simon. 

“That’s crazy. No warlock in the city would help you with that,” Simon said, having seen the downworlders opinion on the queen of hell when she walked the earth. 

“What about Catarina,” Jace suggested. 

“Catarina is doing everything she can to keep Magnus alive and Alec from losing his mind,” Izzy said sharply. 

“What?” Jace asked, having missed seeing Magnus in the hospital bed prior to his arrival like Clary had. “What happened to Magnus?” What’s wrong with Alec?”

“Magnus is rejecting Lorenzo’s magic, it’s killing him. Catarina has him stabilized for now but... Alec was distraught. She almost had to knock him out. And his hand...” Izzy trailed off, knowing Jace would understand. They had seen it before, Alec would often inflict pain upon himself to ground him and keep him focused, ever since he was a kid. 

“His hand?” Clary said, looking at Jace and down to the hand that was bothering him earlier. 

“Damnit, where is Alec now?” Jace asked, finally opening himself up to the bond to recognize the pain and anxiety that he was feeling. 

“He went to Lorenzo’s, he needs to get him to take back the magic he gave Magnus. It’s his only chance,” Simon said sorrowfully. He had heard Catarina telling Alec it was a long shot, that Lorenzo wouldn’t be inclined to help Magnus. 

“I need to...” Jace trailed off, looking between the infirmary door and Clary. He was torn, he wanted to help her summon Lilith and get that damned rune off of her. But Alec was his brother, his Parabatai, and he could feel how much he needed him. 

“Jace,” Clary said, wanting to tell him to go to Alec, but needing the rune off of her more. When it came to this, she was willing to be selfish. 

“You guys work out the details of summoning Lilith, I’ll talk to Catarina,” he said finally, marching towards the door. 

He could see Izzy’s disappointment, but there wasn’t anything he could do for Alec right now. And there was something he could do for Clary.


	2. Alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed the lack of Parabatai interaction. Alec was literally in the worst state we’ve ever seen him in and Jace was off running and unsanctioned mission?! 
> 
> Anyway, end rant. 
> 
> Here’s a little Alec/Magnus to set ya up for the final chapter I promise there will be some good Parabatai feels in chapters 3!!

Izzy entered the infirmary as quietly as possible so as not to disturb the occupants. She noticed the new High Warlock of Brooklyn standing off in the corner and hoped that meant that he agreed to help Magnus. Looking over towards where her brother was slumped over Magnus’ prone form on the bed she sent a quick prayer to the angel that everything would be okay. 

In her hand she had a tablet with the completed paperwork for the mission to summon Lilith. She technically needed Alec’s signature and approval but she felt herself stopping when she thought about it. She couldn’t help but notice how he continued to worry the webbing of his hand and how red and raw the skin looked there and she just couldn’t add to his currently situation. 

She gently and quietly laid the iPad on the table by the monitor and approached the bed. She gently took one of Alec’s hands in her own, soothing the back of it with her thumb in a comforting motion. 

“How is he?” She asked quietly, as if her voice could wake him. 

“He’s just sleeping now. Catarina said his body is recovering and once it’s strong enough, he will wake up,” he answered tightly. 

“He’s strong big brother, he will,” she reassured him. 

“Did you need something,” He asked wearily. He knew he still had responsibilities as head of the institute and even though his personal life felt like it was shattering, he needed to continue to be a strong leader for his people. 

“No, I just wanted to check on you. I’ll handle any paperwork that comes across your desk for now unless it’s really important. You’re right where you need to be,” she said, hoping he would just let it go. 

The fact that he didn’t argue and just nodded and looked at her gratefully was a testament to how tired he really was. 

“Have you seen...” he began but then stopped, looking down at their joined hands. 

Izzy could tell exactly who he was about to ask for, who he felt like he needed. She also knew he was too generous to finish his sentence. Instead of forcing him to continue or complete something he mentally wasn’t ready to hear, she just squeezed his hand harder. 

“I’ll be back to check on you later,” she said. “Try to... keep your thoughts positive,” she finished. She wanted to gently remind him to not hurt himself, but she knew it was a futile statement. Without another word she leaned down and kissed his cheek softly before leaving the room, not sparing Lorenzo a second glance. 

With a sigh Alec found himself, once again, sitting at Magnus’ bedside alone. Well, he wasn’t completely alone, Lorenzo Rey was standing off towards the back of the room, a silent but necessary companion as they waited for Magnus to wake up. He definitely wasn’t Alec’s first choice to sit vigil with him, but he was actually happy not to be completely alone as he waited for what felt like an impossibly long amount of time for Magnus to wake. He had a feeling Izzy, Clary, Simon, and Jace we’re off doing something that he wouldn’t approve of. Izzy wasn’t as good of an actress as she often was given credit for. What scares him though, was that he didn’t care. He couldn’t find it in himself to care that Izzy was probably off leading some kind of unsanctioned mission at the expense of the institute. Because all that mattered to him was the man laying on the bed in front of him. 

Finally Alec saw small signs of life in the man he loved. He was so relieved. Although Catarina had told him Magnus would wake, it was hard to believe it until he saw it. 

“Magnus, can you hear me?” He asked, trying to keep his voice quiet as to not startle Magnus. He saw Magnus stir further and sigh as he reached a greater state of consciousness. “There you are,” Alec whispered, a small and sad smile on his face. 

Magnus made a breathy noise, almost as if to say Alec’s name as his head turned the wrong way. Alec gently guided his face back towards him with two fingers on his chin. 

“Oh, there you are,” Magnus finally said, he sounded weary and Alec fought to keep his composure. He almost broke down completely when Magnus’ hand came up to cup his face. It was a feeling he thought he would never have again and that simple gesture brought tears to the corner of his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Alec manages, keeping the tears at bay. 

“What happened?” Magnus asked, confused as to how he got to where he was, and why he was dressed the way he was. 

“Oh well you got very sick but everything’s going to be okay just, hold on, here, let me... get that for you,” Alex rushed to his feet to try and settle Magnus more comfortably. 

“Uh, a man could get used to this kind of treatment,” Magnus said, trying to joke with Alec. He looked up and saw the emotional face of his lover hovering over him. Magnus had a feeling it was a lot worse than Alec was trying to make it seem. “But definitely not this wardrobe,” he tried again to get Alec to crack a smile. 

“Right, let me get you a change of clothes,” Alex was quick to offer, not picking up on Magnus’ attempt to lighten the situation. 

“Oh no, no need,” Magnus said as he lifted his hand to snap a new wardrobe on himself. He was shocked when Alec yelled out and grabbed his hand firmly, preventing him from continuing. “Alexander, what?” He said, leaning up. It was only then he recognized the other man in the room, Lorenzo Rey. “What’s he doing here?”

Magnus hated the look his question brought. Lorenzo looked like he was pitying Magnus, Magnus did not need that man’s pity. 

“Using Lorenzo’s magic is what got you sick. Catarina says that if you use the magic again, even a little bit, that it could go horribly wrong. The only way for you to get better... is for Lorenzo to take the magic away,” Alec explained. Magnus could see how hard this was for him, but Alec had no idea what he was asking for Magnus. It was bad enough for him to lose his magic once, the thought of losing it again was unbearable. 

“Oh,” he began, “No, Catarina is just being overly cautious. Trust me, I feel fine,” again Magnus tried to rise with his comment, as if that would prove his point. 

“No, can we just get a minute? Please?” Alec asked, halting Magnus’ movement with one had, the question thrown back at Lorenzo who stood silent. 

“No!” Magnus explained, unwilling to bear the thought of it. “I’m not getting rid of my magic.”

“I’ll give you two a moment,” Lorenzo said, stepping out of the room, leaving the two of them alone. 

Alec turned a pleading look to Magnus, his fingers once again pinching and worrying the webbed skin on his hand. He couldn’t bear the thought of Magnus keeping the magic, of him using it again, of him dying in his arms. It had been so close. He had been using chest compressions to keep Magnus alive until Catarina got there, he didn’t think he could handle it if he ever had to do that again. 

His hand felt wet and he looked down to see his hand had begun to bleed. 

“Oh Alexander,” Magnus said, reaching out for the archer to come closer. As soon as he was able, he grabbed the other man’s hands to prevent him from causing any more damage. He could tell Alec had been at it for a while and it killed him that it was his fault. His fingers itched to snap it all better but the fear he remembered in Alec’s voice, stopped him. 

“I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you, but I don’t know if,” Magnus tried to find the words, “I don’t know if I’ll survive losing my magic again, to have it drained from my body.”

“Magnus...” Alec began but had to close his eyes to ward off the tears that threatened to spill over. He couldn’t believe had just gotten Magnus back and yet he felt like he was losing him all over again. He couldn’t grasp why Magnus felt that having magic was more important than being alive. “Magnus you are my first love. I know I’m not yours and that’s okay, but you are mine. And for me, you are it. Shadowhunters love once, fiercely. I can’t imagine my life without you in it, and furthermore, I don’t want you. The moments I spent thinking that you were gone, were easily the worst moments of my life. Izzy kept me sane, but barely. If you hadn’t made it... she wouldn’t have been able to pull me back. And if there is something, anything, that can be done to make sure you are here with me for a long time, well I can’t think of a single reason not to jump at the opportunity.”

At the end of Alec’s speech he was sitting on the side of Magnus’ bed, tears flowing down his face freely. Magnus had tears in his eyes as well, he knew he couldn’t make the man in front of his suffer any further. He would hate losing his magic again, and he wasn’t sure how he would get out of bed in the morning tomorrow, but the thought of causing the man in front of him more pain was almost as unbearable. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that my dearest,” Magnus said, reaching up to try and wipe a trailing tear off his cheek. “I will never leave you on purpose. I love you,” he tried to reassure. And through his own pain Magnus had another fleeting though, why did his Alexander have to go through that without the comfort of the other half of her soul? Where was his brother? Where was his Parabatai?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If we have any Grey’s Anatomy fans out there you will recognize the line that Alec said about Magnus being his first love. Such an awesome and powerful scene from that show that I felt I wanted to borrow it for here. I don’t own those lines sadly though. 
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed! New angsts chapter tomorrow!!!


	3. Jace and Alec

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So proud of all the Schmico fans out there!! If you are interested I have a few stories about them as well, I just love their relationship and how it’s progressed!!
> 
> As for this chapter, well this is the angst and Parabatai-feels I hope everyone was looking for. I watched a lot of clips from season 1 and early season 2 to draw from what their bond used to be and hopefully I did I justice. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

Jace was tired as he walked up the stairs, away from the basement cell, away from Jonathan Morgenstern. Finally they had him, he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore; he couldn’t hurt Clary anymore. 

Jace felt weary. He was fully healed from being stabbed during the fight but he still felt an ache throughout his body. And he was tired. 

Jace was looking forward to a long hot shower and to climbing into bed next to Clary and holding her tightly all night. Knowing that she was finally safe from her demonic brother, Jace anticipated a nice long sleep. 

As he walked past the training room he heard the telltale sounds of someone going to town on the hanging punching bag. Wondering who would be training at this time of night, Jace spared a glance in the room. He was shocked to see Alec, his body drenched in sweat. He didn’t need their neglected bond to know everything was not okay. 

“Alec,” Jace said sadly, entering the room. Alec didn’t move to stop, he continued punching the bag with all that he had. As Jace drew closer he could see the blood drenching the gloves Alec had been wearing, dripping down his forearms. “Shit, Alec!”

When Alec once again failed to stop, Jace tackled him from behind, pining his arms to his side. 

Alec fought the body holding him. He needed to just let it all out. He needed to be grounded, to be strong, when he went back into the room where Magnus was sleeping. After Lorenzo had removed his magic from Magnus’ body, Magnus had shut down. He had collapsed in Alec arms and even when Alec embraced him tightly, he barely returned the hug. Alec had stayed with him, made sure he was comfortable and settled in his room until he fell asleep, and then he had to hit something. He knew he couldn’t be strong for Magnus when he felt like his world was collapsing. He couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t help Magnus, he couldn’t help the man he loved. All he wanted to do was feel something other than gut wrenching sadness and he knew he could find solace in the punching bag in the training room, until an unknown person stopped him. 

“That is enough Alec,” a strong voice broke through his train of thought. 

“Jace?” Alec questioned, the fight leaving his body. 

“Jesus Alec,” Jace breathed out, turning his Parabatai in his arms to see the damage he inflicted. “Your hands...”

“I’m fine, nothing an iratze can’t fix,” Alec argued, trying to pull his injured hands away from Jace’s prying eyes. 

“Stop moving,” Jace argued back, pulling his stele out of his pocket and activating Alec’s rune. He held onto his wrists tightly until he could see the damage reversing. “What the hell Alec?”

“I just couldn’t...” Alex weakly argued. He knew he couldn’t defend what he did, and given the opportunity to do it all again, he would. 

“We’ve talked about this, you need to talk to someone when you feel like this!” Jace scolded, unprepared for Alec’s reaction. 

“Like who? The person I’ve been leaning on the most was in the hospital, he almost died. And the person I’m supposed to lean on the most... well that person doesn’t seem to have the time of day for me anymore,” Alec spat out, pulling himself away from Jace and out of his embrace. 

“Alec I...” Jace began to defend himself only to have Alec cut him off again. 

“No, I know you have been preoccupied with Clary now that you have her back but what does that mean for me, for us? We are prarbatai, closer than brothers, connected in our souls. I was beside myself trying to free you when you were possessed by the owl. I was there for you when Clary was missing, even though my boyfriend was suffering the loss of his magic. The loss of his magic that he gave up for you, because he knew how important you are to me and how I didn’t think I could live without you. Where have you been? Now that I need you, where have you been?” Alec finished, his chest heaving with the emotional effort. 

“The demonic rune...” even as Jace began his excuse he knew it wasn’t good enough. He had been selfish, so wrapped up in his whirlwind romance, that he had neglected Alec and their bond. 

“Isn’t going to kill her,” Alec spat back. Now that he had started he wasn’t going to be able to stop until he got everything off his chest. “Magnus has been... he’s been suffering, so much, since he lost his magic. I’ve done everything I could. I’ve tried to support him. But you needed my support too. You were unstable, you were a danger to yourself, and I had to keep you safe. But in all of that I failed to keep the person I love safe. That magic, what he thought he needed to be special, it almost killed him. He stopped breathing. His heart stopped. He died,” and with that last statement Alec crumbled to the ground, his body heaving as deep sobs shook his body. 

Jace lowered him carefully, never losing his grip on Alec, supporting him as he crumbled. He pulled the taller man right to his body and held him as he dissolved into an emotional mess. 

As he held the shaking body, their skin touching, Jace felt the familiar warmth of their bond. The strained tethers that had been holding them together began to mend and strengthen; the immense weight of everything Alec had been carrying settled between them, balancing the burden. 

“Oh Alec,” Jace whimpered, feeling the full weight of the sadness that had been haunting his Parabatai for weeks. Everything that he had shut out, everything Alec had held back, was bare now. 

“I’m sorry, I tried to protect you,” Alec whispered softly, feeling warmth flowing from their bond for the first time in over a month. 

“You never need to protect me from you, from your pain. I’m sorry for neglecting my promise to you, for neglecting our bond. 

“Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee— For whither thou goest, I will go. And where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God, my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.” He whispered the Parabatai oath into Alec’s raven locks. “You have always respected our bond, our eternal promise, and I am so sorry for everything.”

At this point both shadowhunters were crying, locked in an embrace of love and warmth. Beneath their clothing their rune ignited without being activated, renewing their bond together. 

Neither would be able to express how long they sat there, breathing quietly as one, but when they finally broke apart both felt worlds lighter. 

“So... how’s Magnus now?” Jace finally asked, breaking the silence between them. 

“He had to allow Lorenzo to remove the magic he had given him. He’s ... he’s devastated,” Alec said, feeling bad for the relief that came from knowing the poisonous magic was no longer inhabiting Magnus’ body. 

“I... we... might be able to do something about that,” Jace said, thinking back to what Clary had been able to accomplish that day. “Clary can summon demons from Edom. And Izzy, the work she did on the Malichai Configuration, it’s amazing. Given a specific task or a specific demon to contain, she might be able to make it happen. We can get Magnus’ magic back,” Jace said with strong conviction. Alec found anger blooming within him at the tempting offer. Although the statement lacked the details, he had a feeling his Parabatai had done something very foolish while he was sitting vigil at Magnus’ bedside. 

“I appreciate the offer, but we just rid the world of the queen of hell. And the casualties were far greater than I care to think of. I can’t... I can’t risk the safety of the entire world to try and bring Asmodeus topside, even though I’d love nothing more than to give Magnus back what is rightfully his. I just...” Alec paused and sighed, “I just want him to know how important he is to me.”

“He does,” Jace interrupted. “And you are important to him. He has gone through hell because he loves you.”

“He is my world Jace,” Alec said with a fond smile as he thought of the other man. 

“Sounds like marriage material,” Jace laughed, meaning it as an offhanded comment but noticing the light it sparked in Alec’s eyes. 

“He is,” Alec whispered before shaking himself out of his thoughts and looking back at Jace. “Listen, can you keep an eye on Magnus, make sure he’s not bothered.”

“Where are you going?” Jace asked, rising to his feet and reaching out to help Alec up as well. 

“I’m going to talk to mom,” Alec said as he was pulled to his feet. “I need a very important item that she’s been holding for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that’s the end. It kind of led up to Alec being in a better place and off to go see Maryse for the family ring. 
> 
> I hate to even put it into the universe, but I don’t think everything is going to go as smoothly as we’d all hope next episode with the proposal. Although Alec appears to be in a better place by the end of the episode... we all know Magnus isn’t... we will see. I pray for some happiness for the boys!!

**Author's Note:**

> So there are 2 more chapters. I’m working on them and as long as I stay on track there will be one a day!!


End file.
